I Want To Love You.

What do you suppose the title of Akon's new single is?

It is "I Want To Fuck You". (Watch the explicit version; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLlgKU_vLaE)

Firstly, let me make it clear that I think Akon is the foulest thing to come out of the British music scene since Oasis. Please, don't accuse me of liking the creature, except insofar as his adorable little Jamaican-English accent makes his desire to 'kick it like Tae-bo' (from the single "Smack That") sound like he's aping South Africa's president, Thabo in his, er, relaxational style.

Consider the following lyrics, as an example of our vile little chipmunk's suave propositioning skillz:

"You know my pedigree/Ex-deala use to move 'phetamines/
Girl I spend money like it don't mean nothing/ And besides I got a thing for you" .

and then, later, after much talk of pussy,

"Girl and while you're looking at me/ I'm ready to hit the caddy right up on the patio/Move the patty to the caddy/
Baby you got a phatty the type I like to marry/Wantin' to just give you everything and that's kinda scary;

'Cause I'm lovin the way you shake your ass/Bouncin', got me tippin' my glass/
lil' mully dont get caught up to fast but i got a thing for you. "

What intrigues me about this new song ("I Wanna Fuck You") is that it tries, albeit half-heartedly, to straddle two quite distinct approaches to sex in pop music:

(1) to address the woman directly, expressing a long-term affection and devotion to them, hoping to jump the courtship barrier that most women have. Or, at least, to have the men who play the song in the background surmount this barrier, making the R150 investment worth it.

Examples: "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt; anything by Jack Johnson.

(2) to address the lusty men, rather than the women, in the audience, and simply squeeze out some generic fantasy. Even when the song is ostensibly addressed to the women, the lyrics are obviously intended for the men's benefit.

Examples: "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent; "Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal; "Under The Sea" from the Little Mermaid ["Darling it's better/ Down where it's wetter / Take it from me"].

Amazingly these approaches appear in the very same sentence, along with the mandatory hip-hop mysogyny:

"If you pick me then I'm a pick on you/ D-o-double g and I'm here to put this dick on you ... 'Cause pussy is pussy/ And baby you're pussy for life."

To top off this festival of absurdity, the whole song is addressed to a *stripper*. Have these guys never been to a strip club, or seen a TV show involving strippers? No touching the girls, period. How on earth do they plan to distinguish themselves from the other punters, who, I'm willing to bet, also want to fuck the employees?